Step by Step Guide to Getting Banned From the “Friendliest” Country in North America HINT They Say Eh alot

ASDF Look Mom! I'm Banned From Canada!!!! 12345678

The year was 2001. It was a momentous
time for a strapping young 17 year old
named Dominic Cattadoris. High School
was over! Time to do whatever happens
after that! After 4 years of not really
caring about school, Dominic somehow
managed to graduate with more than
acceptable grades.

During the Senior year, most of the
teachers were all about prepping everyone
to live the American Dream: Pass BS tests,
pick you’re favorite college, apply for
all of them, and than go. Because that
is what you are supposed to do, right?
Go get that degree. Go be the best
capitalist out there. Go sit behind
you’re cubicle, swipe right on Tinder
while you’re married. Well, I managed
to get in to Washington State University
without wanting to or trying to.

The WSU experience could make a whole
new post. This is about Canada. But you
need some background information. Remember,
being banned from Canada is sweet. You will
never be able to experience Banff National
Park. Whistler is a pretty shitty ski
resort, so conveniently it is already
checked off the list because you can’t
make it there. Vancouver Canada was supposed
to be barely acceptable compared to it’s
ugly step child, Vancouver Washington.

In order to get kicked out of Canada as an
American, without ever stepping foot into
the country, you have to get a DUI. in
America. Thank’s to the great people of
Phi Kappa Sigma at WSU, Dominic Cattadoris
(that’s me), did just that.

Here are the steps for successfully banning
yourself from Canada:

#1     Join a fraternity that burns down before the first day of school.

#2     Start drinking at the age of 17 while in college.

#3     Leave the fraternity for the dorm life but still hang out with them.

#4     Drink one beer. Drive back to the fraternity because .5 miles down hill is just too much.

#5     Blow a stop sign. Boom! DUI #1. Blow a .03. Get arrested for DUI because you’re 18.

#6     Multiple court dates enuse, pissed off parents take your car, settle for Negligent Driving.

#7     Because twice is nice, get the car back and keep drinking and driving.

#8     Move into a meth house in Spokane after dropping out of college.

#9     Invite “friend” from said house to a party about a mile away from my place. Watch them make unwanted advances on HS GF.

#10   Call him out. Make him pissed. He attacks me and my car. I call the cops. I get in my car and drive away because this guy is on meth, crazy, an ex marine, and knows how fuck shit up. The cops that were responding to my 911 call watched me blow a stop sign and pull into my driveway. Yoink, DUI #2. Blow a .18.

#11   Because I was cooperative, I was released to my friends that same night. Car was impounded. Parents took it home. Boom, no car and no license. This would last for 4 years.

#13 - 23     Over the course of 2002 - 2005, I managed to violate my DUI probation 9 times. This included:   


(1) Noise Violation



(2) Driving with no insurance



(2) Driving with no license



(4) MIPS’s (Minor in possession of booze)      



Due to all of these blatant violations of probation, I had these repercussions:


Multiple times and multiple months of ankle bracelet monitoring



4 days jail time



50+ court dates, AA meetings, probation meetings, public defender meetings



20 days work release, where they drive you to work from jail



$1800 fine for DUI, which doesn’t include all the money spent for other shit



You would think I would have learned my lesson, right? You would think I have spent enough money, did enough time in the clink, and missed enough holidays while wearing the bracelet that it would have rehabilitated myself back into the world, right?

CORRECT. For the most part. I learned how not to get pulled over while drinking and driving anymore. I have had my license back since 2006. (10 years from original DUI). All fines for my DUI were paid off in 2007. So basically, the DUI took 5 years to resolve. Countless dollars and time. Humiliation in front of friends and family. All that shit.

Well, according to Canada, a DUI is on par with a felony. Felons cannot cross borders. And two DUI Arrest’s, even though only one was a DUI conviction, basically means I am a great concern to the Canadian Quality of Life. I am a habitual CRIMINAL that needs to be rehabilitated according to Canada. And all of the punishments America gave to me were enough, but I have to prove that they worked and PROVE that they happened.

Fast track to July 26, 2016. The day I found out that I have to PROVE ON PAPER that I am criminally rehabilitated in order to enter Canada. And pay a nominal fee that could be anywhere between $200 and $2000. Which you will lose if Canada decides to reject the application. Which they take over 1.5 years to decide.So.  This Process entails:

It’s only one page, but if you read the details, and have a general understanding of my nomadic lifestyle, and know that governments don’t give a shit about you and take forever, you will understand that it is not worth my time to do all this crap just to go beyond this sign:

The only reason I was trying to go beyond Canada was because I had an opportunity to drive a vehicle from the Lower 48 up to Alaska this coming September. Canada is in the way. I don’t even want to visit or drive through Canada but you have to. Now I never will. Fuck you Canada. Especially in 2009 when all I wanted to do was view the Niagara falls from the Canadian side because it is said to be a better view. After 3 hours detainment and them telling me to fuck off, I settled for this one:

Maybe some day I will take the time, effort, and expenses to gather all the bullshit that Canada requires for me to enter. Until than, this will be my only view of Canada.

I’d rather spend my money elsewhere. Once again, go fuck yourself Canada.

MEXICO SOUNDS GREAT!